#96: The Breaking Point

If you embrace God's grace, you do not need to fear judgment. I tell myself this all the time, but I have trouble believing it. 

I recently found myself depressed but was struggling with understanding why. For all intents and purposes, I am very content with things. I have an amazing girlfriend, a steady job that I enjoy, great friends, an awesome family. I struggled through it with my girlfriend and she prayed this for me, "that if this depression is from the devil, that it be cast out, and if this depression is from God, that it's purpose be understood." 

She then let me borrow a book by Henri Nouwen called The Inner Voice of Love. In it, there was this line, "Your many human needs for affection, attention, and consolation are living apart from your divine sacred space. your call is to let these two parts of yourself come together again."

That line was an epiphany for me. That is where God was speaking to me, reminding me not to let the blessings of God take the place in my soul that is fulfilled by God Himself. 

You look in my eyes

And my eyes dart away

I’m afraid you’ll see inside

Afraid you’ll see my pain

So I hide, or I run away

Looking for an escape

I want to be on my own

But I can’t live my life alone

As the tears fall on my face

Please let the rain wash them away

Then you won’t see my heart ache

Everything will seem okay

But you are the knight that can pierce the dark

And fill this hole inside my heart

And you are the radiant prince

The chosen one who’ll cleanse my sins

So please set me free

Please sanctify me

Please win this war

For my soul needs you more and more

#95: The Other Side of Sorrow

Loss is a certainty and grief is an inevitability. That is a consequence of loving people deeply. But it is worth it. It is worth it to make deep connections and to love and care for your friends. It is worth it to love and allow yourself to be loved. Loss is meaningful and painful when life is full of meaning and love. 

At Eternity's Gate by Vincent Van Gogh

On loving someone my very best… I will behest

A reprieve from her eternal rest

A lost love will forever bequeath… such bountiful grief

Its melancholy mood won’t ever be brief.

Of the grand feeling of love so sure… pain will endure

But that is proof it ever so pure

The sun will arise each bright new day… as memories decay

The pain of loss moves farther away.

But genuine love will often bestow… misery only love can know

From there a river of tears will flow

Of life so meaningful and hallowed… the one I followed

At her deaths end I weep and wallow.

As grief is a pain from time we borrow

But still, the other side of sorrow… is tomorrow

#94: Hope

It looks like I’ve stumbled into an unknown land
Where liars prevail and crookedness stands
I’ve fallen for the scent of material things
Though my spirit and soul are immaterial beings
This is the part of me they say to ignore
For it will leave me searching and wanting more
For the things that I desire are the things that I see
And if I work hard enough these things will be for me
As if my contentment could be found in my gains
These material things could be washed by the rains
My situation will grow from bad to worse
As I recount my life, every line every verse.
For the moment I die, I’m back where I started
From this material world, my soul hath departed
My body is buried and my treasure is rusted
My soul and my spirit found no one to trust in
But before that moment of separation comes
Contemplate the hope of the redeeming one
For hope crawls to the place where your soul is buried
It carries your spirit though it is heavy and weary
For your soul and your body united can shine
And the empty materialism will be left behind
And when your body fades into the ground
Your soul and your spirit are heavenly bound
For hope and love are the songs we sing
Of a land forthcoming, of mysterious things

Faith, Hope & Charity by George Frederic Watts

#93: Glass House

Your stance on homosexuality. It's one issue today that is sure to offend someone no matter which view you hold. A recent article in Time magazine regarding InterVarsity's policy on their staff's view of homosexuality has led to quite a shake up. You can read it on the link below.

http://time.com/4521944/intervarsity-fellowship-gay-marriage/

The one positive that comes from this tension is that it forces us to examine why we believe what we believe. Are homosexuals sinners? Yes, as are heterosexuals. Does God love homosexuals? You bet he does. He loves them so much he would send his son Jesus to die for their sins. God created each and every one of us in His image and adores and loves us. 

The controversy that Christians face is their understanding of the act of homosexuality and if that is to be considered a sin itself. For those that say it is a sin, they will hear that their view is discriminatory and judgmental. For those that say it is not a sin, they will hear that their view is not in line with scripture and contributes to the moral decay of our society. 

Below is a poem written from the point of view of a homosexual who has decided to follow Jesus. I am no expert myself on the subject, but I would gather that someone who is both Christian and homosexual, that they may feel stuck between two worlds. 

Built up around me

This house of glass

I didn't even realize

It happened so fast

There is no exit

No way out

There isn't much room

To move about

I can see the world

And the world sees me

The light shines through

But I can’t go free

I cry out

For a hand, a stone

Shatter this reality

This prison’s not home

The glass house represents the societal constructs that we place around people. Whether it be race, sexuality, job status, religion. In this particular situation, it would be one's sexuality which creates a tension between their religion and their sexuality. The societal construct traps them and even though they are searching for freedom, they can't be free. 

#92: Beginningless

What is the nature of that which came before the beginning?

Pillars of Creation

Formless
Shapeless
Of the nothingness...
All that could be
Came from all that’s ever been
For what has never been
Will never be...
To begin is to be finite
To never begin is eternity
For what came from before
Came without beginning...
To be endless
And to be beginningless
That is true divinity

#91: The Fallen World

Written back in 2007, the worlds changed, but it's still the same

http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/04/middleeast/aleppo-syria-civil-war/

Here stands the world in its fallen state

Where white lies and pettiness transform into hate

Where we build up walls to hide from our fate

My blackened heart buys into the emptiness

Afraid to seek what’s really inside of us

What could possibly be our original purpose?

For the things I've seen are perverted and twisted

The deprivation of man shines with our hatred

We’re separated from what’s pure and sacred

We’re separated by an eternal day

We owe a debt that we cannot repay

For we defiled what is perfect and made it unclean

We have stolen our innocence and left our spirit demeaned

We feast on our flesh as children die

We feast on our flesh as poor men cry

We feast on our flesh and live for the day

Shallow and hollow we respect what we earn

But the depths of our soul seeks the eternal

Redemption, redemption is the only way for my soul’s sake

Redemption, redemption, is the only way for mankind’s sake

When judgment comes to sweep up the nations

When enemy upon enemy take up battle stations

All of our hiding places will quickly burn

All of our children will have nowhere to turn

For our gift to them is wrath and our names have been cursed

All that could possibly be good will have already dispersed

For we believe in ourselves and wage our wars

In hopes that our injustice will give us more

#90: Sprouts of Denial

During relationship counseling, I had the privilege of going through an exercise of inner healing prayer. I had never done this before and found it to be extremely helpful in identifying issues in my life that are deeply rooted. Going beyond that, it gave me an opportunity to address those things and give them to Jesus. Although an intense experience and supremely humbling, it was also very freeing and gave me a greater awareness of myself and my struggles. 

The best thing that happened in this time was giving the darker parts of my life to Jesus. I learned how to reject and renounce the lies in my head that were robbing me of the joy that the Lord desires. When you have a moment, I would recommend asking the Lord to reveal what lies may be stuck in your heart that are robbing you of the full joy that God has for you. 

Thank you to my girlfriend Kelly and to Doug and Sandy who initiated the inner healing time. 

Below is a poem I wrote a few years ago about doubt. I believe doubt is the cause of a lot of the pain that I allowed in to my life. The opposite of doubt is belief. When I believe in God, and believe in people, then I am able to experience the full joy that God has in store. 

Denial, denial, sprouts out from doubt

Don’t, please don’t water those weeds

Pick it out, pick out what is rooted in doubt

And in the soil plant the good seeds

Let the sun shine, let the rain fall

Let the good soil cover it all

Grow into a garden, where flowers flourish in bloom