Sacred Spaces

 

Sacred Spaces

I walked by the fire pit today

And I was remembering you there

Bouncing a ball

Melting my heart with your smile

Enjoying the sun

Pointing out the birds

And the "happycopter" flying above

You'd walk around and touch all the sprinklers and lights

I miss us being together

I kissed my fingers and then touched where you once sat

It is now a sacred space

I see sacred spaces everywhere

Love you Julia

Greatest Comfort

Greatest Comfort

You hated when we left for church

I could see a twinge of dread in your face

We dressed up nice

That's when you knew

But you couldn't stop it

We were going to church

The church nursery

I could feel your nerves

You cringed to my arms

"No...no...no..." you said

Not yelling, more like pleading

Your greatest comfort was mama and daddy

I would set you down

Your grip turned tighter

I wiggled you down to the ground

You wrapped your arms around my legs

Your eyes said, "Don't leave!"

Your heart sunk as I walked away

I hate the moment when you left this world

Dread fills my face at the mere though

We'll dress up nice

To say our last goodbye

I couldn't save you

You have gone to heaven

I grieve now

I am a ball of nerves

I cling to your memory

"No...no...no..." I say

Not yelling, more like pleading

My greatest joy was your smiling face

You used to cling to me at church

Your greatest comfort was mama and daddy

Yet there is one greater comfort

Jesus is the greatest comforter

Greater than mama and daddy combined

Cling to him as we cling to him

Double Dose of Grief

 

Double Dose of Grief

Yesterday the second hammer fell. Not pregnant. Don't know how to take the news, it sapped away the little hope we had for our future days. We were preparing to be a family of four but it's just the two of us now. The pit of grief goes deeper than we had thought. Kelly and I cried a good while yesterday, cried to God that we have nothing. Grieving hard. We appreciate the outpouring of love as we continue through this. Praying for comfort like when Julia had her bunny.

Julia loved her bunny. It was what she slept with every night. When we spent the day at her grandparents, they had a second bunny (known as Other Bunny) so she could have the same comfort there. On many occasions Julia brought bunny to the grandparents house which created the ultimate comfort, Double Bunny! Lord praying for the Double Bunny comfort. 

The Other Side of Sorrow

 

I wrote this years ago, I don't recall why or for whom. But God gave me words of comfort then, to help me grieve now.

The Other Side of Sorrow

On loving someone my very best...I will behest

A reprieve from her eternal rest

A lost love will forever bequeath...such bountiful grief

Its melancholy mood won't ever be brief.

Of the grand feeling of love so sure...pain will endure

But that is proof it was ever so pure

The sun will arise each bright new day...as memories decay

The pain of loss moves further away.

But genuine love will often bestow...misery only love can know

From there a river of tears will flow

Of life so meaningful and hallowed...this love I followed

At her deaths end I weep and wallow.

Grief is a pain from time we borrow

But still, the other side of sorrow....is tomorrow 

Grief

 

Our sweet 19-month-old daughter, Julia Marie Aalseth, passed away suddenly on Mother's Day. I have written many poems over the last couple weeks on note pads and I will publish some here to have them all in one place. 

Grief

I don't know what grief is, but whatever it is, it's 

everywhere

I miss you baby girl

I see you in the car, I see you in our home, I see you 

on the slide, I see you in the bath tub

You are everywhere my love

I miss you so much

Your smile

I see everywhere

I see you dancing

I see you swimming

I see you laughing 

I see you learning

Every day with you

Was a gift, a blessing

I miss you Julia, you helped me live the best life

Thank you, Love you.

#111: The Wolf in Shepherds Clothing

A poem to reflect — specifically on the personhood of Jesus and if my understanding of who Jesus is aligns with the actuality of Jesus. For if I am blind to the injustice in this world then I am blind to who he truly is.

You go to church to worship

To a Jesus you trust as savior

You sing and dance and bless the Lord

You love that your Jesus is for you

You love your neighbor (your white neighbor)

You love your family (your white family)

Because the Jesus you perceive...

Blessed you

But the Jesus you perceive

Is not the shepherd of the Word

He is not of the God who created all things

He is not the God who Loves Justice and Mercy

The Jesus you perceive is deceiving you

The Jesus you perceive is a wolf

Dressed as your shepherd

He has deceived you into thinking 

that your life matters, 

but black lives don’t

He deceived you into thinking

That your culture

Is God’s chosen culture

He has deceived you 

into turning a blind eye 

to the hatred that surrounds you 

and maybe consumes you

You do nothing 

cause you’re blessed

You do nothing 

because you are saved

But the Jesus you follow is a false God

And your fruit bears it

And if your salvation is based on a falsehood

Then no part of you is saved

#109: A Sunday Lynching

R.I.P. Ahmaud Arbery 

Ear buds check,

Keys check,

Nike’s check,

Off through my neighborhood

To get my heart and lungs going

I jog almost every day

To feel my blood flowing

It’s a Sunday afternoon 

The weather is nice

I step out the front door

Turn on my Fitbit device

I wave to the neighbors

Why they wave their gun?

I’m just on a run

Out in the daylight sun

I breathe in 

The sweet air of the free

Next thing I see

A white truck’s chasing me

It pulls in front

So I change my course

The two men decide to use excessive force

A man jumps out

He grabs my shirt

I’m on high alert as he shoved me to the dirt

Two guns pointed 

Right at my chest

I’m unarmed and no bulletproof vest

I lunge for his piece

They open fire

I fall to the ground

My life’s about to expire

The pain is sharp

I see my blood flowing

My hearts pumping fast

I feel my lungs going

My last thought

As I cease to exist

They’ll get away 

With a case dismissed

Dead on the street 

Though with no provocation

“Stand your ground” 

Their defensive proclamation

I lament the racism that prevails today in the United States.

#108: The Rhythmic Tune of Silent Suffering

Have you ever struggled with chronic pain or know someone who has? My wife Kelly Aalseth wrote the book on it! It's called Keeper of your Life.

I am so proud of the hard work she has put in to share in her journey with chronic pain. There is so much to learn about dealing with the pain and how to live a full life and glorify Jesus in the midst of the pain. I highly recommend getting this book, not just because my wife wrote it, but because there are tips and strategies on how to be a good friend to someone in pain, how to communicate your pain and how to build an effective team around you that can help you through the hardest days.

Below is a poem from Kelly's book. It is about the moments where you are suffering and want to cry out, but don't want to make a scene. It's that moment where we hope someone will notice our pain and ask what's wrong, but knowing deep down inside, the cry for help is the best thing for us. 

One two three four one…

Breathe

Say it

I can’t…two three four

Now

Now’s your chance

Longer...one two three

Breathe

Ok

My eyes say it...four one two

Notice, please

Words

I can’t... three four one

Waited

too long

Breathe

They notice

Shouldn’t they?... Two three four

Cry, please cry

Not coming

Almost

SPEAK

Ok

BREATHE…

“I hurt.”

Kelly Aalseth, 2016

#107: Hope Unfulfilled

My wife is tough as nails. Seriously. She endures chronic physical pain day after day. She has dealt with it for seven years with little understanding of if or when it will end. Yet she keeps going about her day, striving to do what is right and what is best for others and for herself. But there is a cost. Week after week, with no end in sight, the constant pain can become overwhelming. Kelly can hope like the best of us, but when the pain continues, and the years pass, the hopelessness will creep in.

There are days where I forget that Kelly is in constant pain. Her joy is so genuine that the pain seems to disappear. Yet sometimes, in the stillness of the night, the pain overwhelms her. Maybe it's the quiet, or maybe it's the restlessness. In these terrible nights, I'll begin to hear Kelly cry. Not a necessarily a cry of pain, but more a cry of hopelessness. A cry for help because the pain is constant and the sleep is never coming. And that is the toughest word to hear, never.

"I'll never get better, I'll never know what it's like to be without pain, I'll never sleep, I'll never be normal..."

 I know in these moments, it's my time to love on my wife the best way I can. Oftentimes this consists of me making a joke at the absolute worst time, but somehow, it makes Kelly laugh and gives her a brief respite, though not a solution for her pain. 

That's usually followed up by me trying to gauge how bad it is and trying to make Kelly as comfortable as possible. Then the run through of medications to take and if we have them. And of course, there is prayer. Prayer in the middle of the night is tough, because you want to be earnest and caring, but you also want to sleep. We can pray for what feels like hours, though it is probably half an hour or so, and we pray with expectation. But we often don't get that immediate answer. It's a struggle and the feelings of never begin to creep in to our minds.

The feeling of never though, in this instance, is one to rebuke. I can't let the lie that it will never happen poison Kelly's mind. Because never is not the promise that God has for us.

In the middle of the night

When all is quiet and still 

I hear you begin to weep

I know the tears you'll spill

The pain is back again

It came rushing in at three

We don't know how or why

This complication came to be

I hold you in my arms

We both begin to pray

For your relief to come

Before the light of day

We ask and ask and ask

We hope and hope and hope

We don't have physical means

For how to deal and cope

I hear the lie inside you

That this will never go away

That hope unfulfilled

Is the only promise of the day

But please remember my love

I am right here with you

And that hopelessness inside

Is a promise that is untrue

#106: Glass House Part 2

When I wrote Glass House, I realized it was incomplete. While attempting to recognize the social constructs and moral understandings that create the Glass House for a person exploring Christianity from an LGBTQ lens, I am learning that there are no quick answers or simple solutions. The Glass House is there and it reminds the LGBTQ of the rejection they face from Christian communities. Although Christians can make a moral stand in regards to sexuality, should it be at the expense of reaching someone who is genuinely seeking God?

You see me
You want me to know
Of your Jesus
You want me to love
Like you love
But I don't

You see me
In this Glass house
You hear me
You judge me
But you can't reach me

I cry to you
But you reject me
I ask for help
But you hate me

I am a sinner
Just like you
Can I be forgiven?

I am a beautiful soul
If you look at me you’ll see it

Please shatter this reality

#105: Remember...

My wife Kelly has been at UCLA since 2005. First as a student, then as staff with InterVarsity. At the end of the fall quarter of 2017 she will be transitioning out of UCLA. This past spring, during one of her last retreats with the UCLA students I wrote Kelly a poem of reflection. The poem is written on the left side of a sheet of paper, and on the right side, Kelly will have the chance to write down names and memories of her time at UCLA. 

While visiting the retreat, I thought it would be romantic to sneak the poem in to her bag or put it somewhere where she would definitely see it the following morning. Before arriving that evening to the retreat, Kelly asked me to pick up some Tiger Balm for her. I decided to fold up the poem and hide it in the Tiger Balm box, thinking that when she opened it that night, she would see the poem. 

Sadly, as I handed her the Tiger Balm, she opened it as we were saying goodbye and proceeded to crumple up the box to throw it away. I very smoothly grabbed the box and told her to look inside. She probably thought it was jewelry or something, but no, it was a newly crumpled piece of paper. Thankfully, it wasn't completely trashed and she was able to read it later that night. 

I wanted to give Kelly the chance to reflect on her time at UCLA and on all that the Lord has done.
Ministry is so difficult, and college ministry has its own unique challenges. It's easy to get wrapped up in the day to day, but every once in awhile, it is good to look back and remember all that has been accomplished and all that the Lord will continue to do. 

Kelly Aalseth presenting a timeline of UCLA at Intervarsity

As you remember the things
the Lord has done,
The work in their hearts
that has only begun.

Remember the small moments
that make you smile,
Remember the times
you went the extra mile

Remember the tears
you shared with friends,
Remember the sin
that the Lord has cleansed.

Remember those
that helped push you along,
Remember those
that said you belong.

Remember the times
you stumbled and fell,
Remember the grace
that saves from hell.

Remember those
that taught you God's word,
Remember for whom
the Gospel was heard.

Remember the pain
and brokenness compiled,
and the way God moves
so we can be reconciled.

Remember the joy,
Remember the fun,
Remember the good times
with everyone.

Lastly remember
What God starts He finishes,
And that of the eternal
never diminishes.

#104: Po Po

True character and heart are not revealed by action, but by age. When someone advances in age, we see who they really are. 

For my Po Po (grandma), she emanated joy to her last day. She was always sharp as a tack and always interested to know how my life was going. The last time I saw her, although weak, she beamed with joy and was so grateful to get to see Kelly and myself as we returned from our honeymoon. She said to us, "I am so happy that you two are in love, and I'm so happy that you are happy!" 

Truly a special lady whose character and heart of joy were true to her last day. 

Thank you for all the wonderful memories Po Po. 

There is no greater blessing

Than to be loved

By family, by friends

By God up above

This is for my Po Po

From all of us who’ve known

That sweet and generous heart

And all the love she’s shown

Her spirited and boisterous laugh

Her smile from ear to ear

For from within her heart

Came a joy so perfectly clear

Always so delightful

She spoke with such sincerity

The sweetest sounding words

With purpose and with clarity

Always so bright and cheerful

With a sharp intelligence

She knew to live life fully

To embrace the present tense

Po Po you loved us well

There is no greater blessing

We remember you so fondly

As you make your final resting

#103: Age of Missed Information

Have you ever seen this picture before? It's of Nihar Janga clapping in the face of Jairam Hathwar after Jairam just misspelled a word at the 2016 Scripps National Spelling Bee.

What is your initial reaction when you see this picture?

For me, I was pissed that this kid would show such poor sportsmanship. I shook my head in disappointment and faux rage at an internet meme. "Oh unjust world, how could this kid get away with such rotten behavior," I thought to myself as I stewed in anger over a picture that contained no context.

I wanted to know more so I looked up articles on the 2016 Spelling Bee in hopes of better understanding young Nihar and his ultra-competitive instincts. As I delved deeper into the story, I found that the meme misrepresented the truth. My opinion of Nihar as a poor sport was wrong. Yes, opinions can be wrong. Especially when you don't know the full story

Here's how the spelling bee went down. Jairam and Nihar were locked in a battle of wits. Jairam stepped up to the mic and was given the word Drahthaar. With the championship on the line, Jairam misspelled the word. Defeated, he went to his seat. Nihar would now have a chance at winning the championship if he spells his next word correctly. But as Jairam sits down next to Nihar, Nihar is clapping along with the crowd for the solid effort by Jairam. He then turns to Jairam and claps in his face but the clapping is not meant as disrespect towards an opponent, but as encouragement to a friend. You see, Jairam and Nihar had gotten to know each other over the past year and became close friends.

After the contest Nihar said this in response to Jairam’s miss. "I wanted to win, but at the same time I felt really bad for Jairam."

I had Nihar pegged all wrong. Although he displayed an entertaining flare at the event, he was by no means, a poor sport. It turned out that Nihar would miss his next word as well and the competition would end in a tie with both Jairam and Nihar being named champions.

So what did I learn in this endeavor? That internet memes and headlines are not enough to form a valid opinion. In a world of hot takes and breaking news, do not be quick to judge because there's more to the story then the headline.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvkUCzHRo2I

You awaken from your slumber
And see headlines of the day
Of this and that, and that and this
So many things at play

You glance over each story
And formulate your thoughts
But this type of opinion forming
Is much like casting lots

Dig in past the surface
And investigate the news
Learn to think with a critical mind
To better support your views

#102: A Refugees Decision

If a refugee comes to the United States, it is not only an opportunity for them, but an opportunity for us. It gives us the chance to love and care for that refugee, to welcome them, and to provide a confirmation to their hope. It is a chance for us to show what make's America great in the first place.

The refugee comes here with high hopes and in desperate need. Furthermore, a child refugee is the most impressionable of people. If they are welcomed here, they can become a part of our country and make a lasting contribution.

Two questions must then be posed. If not here, where then will the child go? And what will the child become? If they go back to their war torn home, they may become the very terrorists we fear. Our national security is not improved if we are creating more enemies.

He came to my porch with a gift

He knocked but there was no answer

He came from a violent land

He came for a helping hand

I didn't want to talk to a stranger

I didn't want to know who he was

I dared not answer the door

For I feared what he was here for

He went back to his old home

Impressionable but with no hope

They took him in the darkest of night

They taught him to hate and to fight

This boy who once had a future

Standing again at my door

He didn't knock this time around

He busted the front door down

I looked him straight in his eyes
Now hatred was all I could see
But if I had let him in earlier
What type of man could he be?

#101: An Adventure Begins

In January of 2015 I started this poetry blog with a goal of sharing 100 poems over the course of 100 weeks. Some weeks I couldn't wait to share a specific poem, whiles others were a bit more challenging. All in all, I had a blast putting together each blog post.

On Christmas Day 2015, right smack in the middle of this Poetry Project, I decided to sign up on E-harmony. I didn't know what to expect with dating online, but I was both nervous and excited.

Toward the end of January 2016, I stumbled upon the profile of Kelly Joiner. One of the things we immediately connected with was our love of writing and poetry. I was smitten by Kelly's ability to write about her life and her struggles in an honest manner. She wasn't and still isn't afraid to share her struggles but in a way that isn't self deprecating or as a plea for pity. Before we even met in person for the first time, we shared some of our poetry to each other and that helped forge a solid connection

It has almost been one year since I first met this amazing woman and now we are planning our wedding. A lot can happen in one year. What a blessing this adventure has been so far. 

We've come to the foot of the trail

You and me together

We see our life ahead

For the worse and for the better

I see the path but only so far

I see the mountains that we'll climb

I see the streams, the trees

The scenery so fine

We found each other along the path

And love would soon arise

I never saw such a pure heart

Until I looked in to your eyes

And though I'm far from perfect

You help me to find

The goodness hidden in me

Of holiness intertwined

You have all your baggage 

And me I have all of mine

But from here we'll go hand in hand

Until the end of time

#100: Where love has no way that’s better

 Thank you to anyone that's encouraged me to write (I see you Drew Tan), helped me write a poem (Chris Tan and Drew Tan), edited a work I've written ((Donald Westbrook), memorized and recited (my wonderful niece Hannah and nephew Caleb), and cheered me on along the way and provided great and meaningful feedback (my fiancé Kelly). 

Thank you to anyone that stumbles across these poems. May you find encouragement, inspiration, fun, and joy. 

The family

The seasons of this world spiral downward 

The hope of mankind’s peace is all but lost 

We have hardened the hearts of our precious children 

Turned them cold as the ice and the frost

So I cry mercy aloud to my redeemer 

To wash away the wretchedness of my heart 

To carry me across this arid desert 

To the place where His glory’s set apart 

This is the place where His grace is expressed 

Where love has no way that’s better 

We can be with our God in heaven 

And dwell in His house forever 

 Hallelujah 

#99: Beauty of the Redeemed

Why does God love us? We don't deserve God's love. But here it is for us to experience. God loves us, because God is love. As for our ability to love. It's not in what we can do, or what we project as our image. Love and it's capacity for good has nothing to do with status and everything to do with willingness and desperation.

Above the surface 

Is a plastic smile

He puts on his mask 

To hide what’s defiled

For beneath the surface 

Hides a pitiful soul

A broken life 

That has taken its toll

He manages his surface 

with careful preparation

As his soul descends down 

Towards desperation

It’s within our depths 

That true man lies

When he sees his soul; 

That true man cries

He calls out 

From the depths of his mind

As he witnesses the weakness 

That he can’t put behind

For whom he is 

Needs reparation

This created being 

Cannot endure separation

He is as lost as a ship 

Tossed out to sea

Pummeled by the storm 

That is his own iniquity

Mankind seeks to find 

Hope in redemption

He seeks to find peace 

Purpose and direction

#98: In the Palm of Your Hands

The Lord delights in you. The Lord who created the universe, who knows all and sees all, delights in your existence. Both powerful and personable, God is for you and wants you to know that. You may feel God is distant, or doesn't exist at all. Or you may feel that God is disappointed in you because of something you've done or failed to do. But God does not count your shortcomings against you. He delights in you and want's you to share in the joy that was made for you to partake in. To know God is to know His son Jesus who came to this place so that you can know God without any inhibition.

The Last Supper by Da Vinci

In the palm of your hands

The oceans were made

By your outstretched hands

The heavens were laid

Through your nail pierced hands

My sins are paid

From your guiding hands

You lead me to your grace

So what is this love?

Who is this God?

This is perfect love

You are my God

From your thunderous voice

You lit up the sky

By your mighty voice

You let the birds to fly

Through your tender voice

You respond to my cry

In your compassionate voice

Your son came down to die

#97: Will you marry me?

What a fantastic day! While in Espresso Cielo, the coffee shop that we first met in exactly nine months ago, I had the privilege of proposing to the love of my life, Kelly Joiner. I gave her a box of poems and encouragement notes written by her family and friends. Included in the box was the below  acrostic.

What is the meaning of life in this land?
Is it to love and live as best we can?
Lo and behold, it is so much more,
Love is the root of us at our core.

You understand what the Lord has conceived
On embracing how love must first be received
Under God’s word, you live what you believe

My very best, I choose to give to you
All of my life, from now till it is through
Reflecting on that which could not be greater
Redeemed by a grace given by our creator
You demonstrate how great love can be

My love, may I ask, “Will you marry me?”
Enter in to a union of matrimony?

The poem

She said "Yes!"

#96: The Breaking Point

If you embrace God's grace, you do not need to fear judgment. I tell myself this all the time, but I have trouble believing it. 

I recently found myself depressed but was struggling with understanding why. For all intents and purposes, I am very content with things. I have an amazing girlfriend, a steady job that I enjoy, great friends, an awesome family. I struggled through it with my girlfriend and she prayed this for me, "that if this depression is from the devil, that it be cast out, and if this depression is from God, that it's purpose be understood." 

She then let me borrow a book by Henri Nouwen called The Inner Voice of Love. In it, there was this line, "Your many human needs for affection, attention, and consolation are living apart from your divine sacred space. your call is to let these two parts of yourself come together again."

That line was an epiphany for me. That is where God was speaking to me, reminding me not to let the blessings of God take the place in my soul that is fulfilled by God Himself. 

You look in my eyes

And my eyes dart away

I’m afraid you’ll see inside

Afraid you’ll see my pain

So I hide, or I run away

Looking for an escape

I want to be on my own

But I can’t live my life alone

As the tears fall on my face

Please let the rain wash them away

Then you won’t see my heart ache

Everything will seem okay

But you are the knight that can pierce the dark

And fill this hole inside my heart

And you are the radiant prince

The chosen one who’ll cleanse my sins

So please set me free

Please sanctify me

Please win this war

For my soul needs you more and more