#111: The Wolf in Shepherds Clothing

A poem to reflect — specifically on the personhood of Jesus and if my understanding of who Jesus is aligns with the actuality of Jesus. For if I am blind to the injustice in this world then I am blind to who he truly is.

You go to church to worship

To a Jesus you trust as savior

You sing and dance and bless the Lord

You love that your Jesus is for you

You love your neighbor (your white neighbor)

You love your family (your white family)

Because the Jesus you perceive...

Blessed you

But the Jesus you perceive

Is not the shepherd of the Word

He is not of the God who created all things

He is not the God who Loves Justice and Mercy

The Jesus you perceive is deceiving you

The Jesus you perceive is a wolf

Dressed as your shepherd

He has deceived you into thinking 

that your life matters, 

but black lives don’t

He deceived you into thinking

That your culture

Is God’s chosen culture

He has deceived you 

into turning a blind eye 

to the hatred that surrounds you 

and maybe consumes you

You do nothing 

cause you’re blessed

You do nothing 

because you are saved

But the Jesus you follow is a false God

And your fruit bears it

And if your salvation is based on a falsehood

Then no part of you is saved

#109: A Sunday Lynching

R.I.P. Ahmaud Arbery 

Ear buds check,

Keys check,

Nike’s check,

Off through my neighborhood

To get my heart and lungs going

I jog almost every day

To feel my blood flowing

It’s a Sunday afternoon 

The weather is nice

I step out the front door

Turn on my Fitbit device

I wave to the neighbors

Why they wave their gun?

I’m just on a run

Out in the daylight sun

I breathe in 

The sweet air of the free

Next thing I see

A white truck’s chasing me

It pulls in front

So I change my course

The two men decide to use excessive force

A man jumps out

He grabs my shirt

I’m on high alert as he shoved me to the dirt

Two guns pointed 

Right at my chest

I’m unarmed and no bulletproof vest

I lunge for his piece

They open fire

I fall to the ground

My life’s about to expire

The pain is sharp

I see my blood flowing

My hearts pumping fast

I feel my lungs going

My last thought

As I cease to exist

They’ll get away 

With a case dismissed

Dead on the street 

Though with no provocation

“Stand your ground” 

Their defensive proclamation

I lament the racism that prevails today in the United States.

#108: The Rhythmic Tune of Silent Suffering

Have you ever struggled with chronic pain or know someone who has? My wife Kelly Aalseth wrote the book on it! It's called Keeper of your Life.

I am so proud of the hard work she has put in to share in her journey with chronic pain. There is so much to learn about dealing with the pain and how to live a full life and glorify Jesus in the midst of the pain. I highly recommend getting this book, not just because my wife wrote it, but because there are tips and strategies on how to be a good friend to someone in pain, how to communicate your pain and how to build an effective team around you that can help you through the hardest days.

Below is a poem from Kelly's book. It is about the moments where you are suffering and want to cry out, but don't want to make a scene. It's that moment where we hope someone will notice our pain and ask what's wrong, but knowing deep down inside, the cry for help is the best thing for us. 

One two three four one…

Breathe

Say it

I can’t…two three four

Now

Now’s your chance

Longer...one two three

Breathe

Ok

My eyes say it...four one two

Notice, please

Words

I can’t... three four one

Waited

too long

Breathe

They notice

Shouldn’t they?... Two three four

Cry, please cry

Not coming

Almost

SPEAK

Ok

BREATHE…

“I hurt.”

Kelly Aalseth, 2016

#107: Hope Unfulfilled

My wife is tough as nails. Seriously. She endures chronic physical pain day after day. She has dealt with it for seven years with little understanding of if or when it will end. Yet she keeps going about her day, striving to do what is right and what is best for others and for herself. But there is a cost. Week after week, with no end in sight, the constant pain can become overwhelming. Kelly can hope like the best of us, but when the pain continues, and the years pass, the hopelessness will creep in.

There are days where I forget that Kelly is in constant pain. Her joy is so genuine that the pain seems to disappear. Yet sometimes, in the stillness of the night, the pain overwhelms her. Maybe it's the quiet, or maybe it's the restlessness. In these terrible nights, I'll begin to hear Kelly cry. Not a necessarily a cry of pain, but more a cry of hopelessness. A cry for help because the pain is constant and the sleep is never coming. And that is the toughest word to hear, never.

"I'll never get better, I'll never know what it's like to be without pain, I'll never sleep, I'll never be normal..."

 I know in these moments, it's my time to love on my wife the best way I can. Oftentimes this consists of me making a joke at the absolute worst time, but somehow, it makes Kelly laugh and gives her a brief respite, though not a solution for her pain. 

That's usually followed up by me trying to gauge how bad it is and trying to make Kelly as comfortable as possible. Then the run through of medications to take and if we have them. And of course, there is prayer. Prayer in the middle of the night is tough, because you want to be earnest and caring, but you also want to sleep. We can pray for what feels like hours, though it is probably half an hour or so, and we pray with expectation. But we often don't get that immediate answer. It's a struggle and the feelings of never begin to creep in to our minds.

The feeling of never though, in this instance, is one to rebuke. I can't let the lie that it will never happen poison Kelly's mind. Because never is not the promise that God has for us.

In the middle of the night

When all is quiet and still 

I hear you begin to weep

I know the tears you'll spill

The pain is back again

It came rushing in at three

We don't know how or why

This complication came to be

I hold you in my arms

We both begin to pray

For your relief to come

Before the light of day

We ask and ask and ask

We hope and hope and hope

We don't have physical means

For how to deal and cope

I hear the lie inside you

That this will never go away

That hope unfulfilled

Is the only promise of the day

But please remember my love

I am right here with you

And that hopelessness inside

Is a promise that is untrue

#106: Glass House Part 2

When I wrote Glass House, I realized it was incomplete. While attempting to recognize the social constructs and moral understandings that create the Glass House for a person exploring Christianity from an LGBTQ lens, I am learning that there are no quick answers or simple solutions. The Glass House is there and it reminds the LGBTQ of the rejection they face from Christian communities. Although Christians can make a moral stand in regards to sexuality, should it be at the expense of reaching someone who is genuinely seeking God?

You see me
You want me to know
Of your Jesus
You want me to love
Like you love
But I don't

You see me
In this Glass house
You hear me
You judge me
But you can't reach me

I cry to you
But you reject me
I ask for help
But you hate me

I am a sinner
Just like you
Can I be forgiven?

I am a beautiful soul
If you look at me you’ll see it

Please shatter this reality

#105: Remember...

My wife Kelly has been at UCLA since 2005. First as a student, then as staff with InterVarsity. At the end of the fall quarter of 2017 she will be transitioning out of UCLA. This past spring, during one of her last retreats with the UCLA students I wrote Kelly a poem of reflection. The poem is written on the left side of a sheet of paper, and on the right side, Kelly will have the chance to write down names and memories of her time at UCLA. 

While visiting the retreat, I thought it would be romantic to sneak the poem in to her bag or put it somewhere where she would definitely see it the following morning. Before arriving that evening to the retreat, Kelly asked me to pick up some Tiger Balm for her. I decided to fold up the poem and hide it in the Tiger Balm box, thinking that when she opened it that night, she would see the poem. 

Sadly, as I handed her the Tiger Balm, she opened it as we were saying goodbye and proceeded to crumple up the box to throw it away. I very smoothly grabbed the box and told her to look inside. She probably thought it was jewelry or something, but no, it was a newly crumpled piece of paper. Thankfully, it wasn't completely trashed and she was able to read it later that night. 

I wanted to give Kelly the chance to reflect on her time at UCLA and on all that the Lord has done.
Ministry is so difficult, and college ministry has its own unique challenges. It's easy to get wrapped up in the day to day, but every once in awhile, it is good to look back and remember all that has been accomplished and all that the Lord will continue to do. 

Kelly Aalseth presenting a timeline of UCLA at Intervarsity

As you remember the things
the Lord has done,
The work in their hearts
that has only begun.

Remember the small moments
that make you smile,
Remember the times
you went the extra mile

Remember the tears
you shared with friends,
Remember the sin
that the Lord has cleansed.

Remember those
that helped push you along,
Remember those
that said you belong.

Remember the times
you stumbled and fell,
Remember the grace
that saves from hell.

Remember those
that taught you God's word,
Remember for whom
the Gospel was heard.

Remember the pain
and brokenness compiled,
and the way God moves
so we can be reconciled.

Remember the joy,
Remember the fun,
Remember the good times
with everyone.

Lastly remember
What God starts He finishes,
And that of the eternal
never diminishes.

#104: Po Po

True character and heart are not revealed by action, but by age. When someone advances in age, we see who they really are. 

For my Po Po (grandma), she emanated joy to her last day. She was always sharp as a tack and always interested to know how my life was going. The last time I saw her, although weak, she beamed with joy and was so grateful to get to see Kelly and myself as we returned from our honeymoon. She said to us, "I am so happy that you two are in love, and I'm so happy that you are happy!" 

Truly a special lady whose character and heart of joy were true to her last day. 

Thank you for all the wonderful memories Po Po. 

There is no greater blessing

Than to be loved

By family, by friends

By God up above

This is for my Po Po

From all of us who’ve known

That sweet and generous heart

And all the love she’s shown

Her spirited and boisterous laugh

Her smile from ear to ear

For from within her heart

Came a joy so perfectly clear

Always so delightful

She spoke with such sincerity

The sweetest sounding words

With purpose and with clarity

Always so bright and cheerful

With a sharp intelligence

She knew to live life fully

To embrace the present tense

Po Po you loved us well

There is no greater blessing

We remember you so fondly

As you make your final resting