#32: Perception and Paranoia

Detail from Vincent Van Gogh, 'Self Portrait with Bandaged Ear', 1889
London, Courtauld Institute Gallery
© Photo: Bridgeman Art Library, London 

Walking in the city

I feel judgmental eyes

My perception is misleading

My belief is in the lies

The world has gone insane

Or maybe it’s just my mind

I can’t seem to move on

To leave this thing behind

I step in to the market

I sense an unknown gaze

The mystery strikes a nerve

Each aisle becomes a maze

I think I need a moment

A chance to get away

A reprieve from this anxious feeling

To get me through the day

I quickly find the food I need

Looking no one in the eye

A nervous wreck for no reason

I go to the check out line

The checker flashes a smile

I force a smile back

I conceal my unease

My head’s under attack

I give the man my money

I quickly leave the store

My food still on the check stand

As I exit through the door

Tonight I will go hungry

Because my mind could not go free

I’m stuck in this temporary madness

Is this all I’ll ever be?

Some days, its hard for me to go out in to the world. It feels like everyone is watching me and no one wants me around. I don't know why that happens, I know its not true, but it can make some days much harder then others. Luckily, I get to go to work to a place where I enjoy the work and the people at my job. Those anxious feelings do not tend to come about when working. 

I'm also thankful that I've never felt as intense an experience as in the above poem. I've had moments at the market place, or the barber, or other stores where I am just itching to get away, but never so bad where I leave the stuff I just bought and run out the door.

For Vincent Van Gogh, it wasn't as easy. He sliced off his own ear during a psychotic episode likely brought on by paranoia towards fellow painter Gauguin. You can see his bandaged ear in his above self portrait.