#28: Triggers and Synapses

How many neurons in the brain? Scientists say 86 billion. And synapses? 100 trillion or so that help neurons create neural networks that represent our brain functions. The complexity of our human brain is astounding. We often look to space as our understanding of how vast our existence is, but if we look inward, our minds are vast and possibly endless as well.

Infinity inside my head

It's hard for me to figure

All that's in my brain

Every switch and every trigger

The speed at which I think

To knowledge that is set

So much I remember

So much I forget

Infinity can be large

It also represents the small

For it truly is a concept

That seeks to cover all

Never ending are my thoughts

A vast appendix in my mind

With neurons and synapses

Who knows what thoughts I'll find

#27: The Infinite Wall

Sometimes in life, we do not find answers to the questions we are asking. We can search and search and search and all we find are more questions. The question then becomes not about answers, but acceptance on not knowing something and moving on.

From the film The Maze Runner

I traveled the world 

behold what have I found

A wall springing upwards

structurally sound

I wondered and wondered 

about the other side

If I could go around it 

what would I find?

I looked to the left 

I looked to the right

The wall continued 

past my line of sight

I looked up to see 

if the wall could be scaled

“Impossible” I thought

as my plan was derailed

The heights of this barrier 

touched the tip of the sky

Even the birds could never

get up that high

I leaned against the wall 

and cupped my ear

Maybe there was something 

that I could hear

The only sound I could make out 

was the howling wind

Echoing off the wall 

it crawled past my skin

Although new information 

could not be delivered

The whistling wind 

made my skin shiver

Were the sounds I was hearing 

ghosts of the past?

Was the other side of this wall 

a land for outcasts?

Although I could hear the wind

there was nothing I could see

What was on the other side 

remains a mystery

#26: To the Prince of the Powers of the Air

I wrote this poem while on a summer missions trip with Campus Crusade to Mexico City in 2003. About two weeks in to the trip, almost our entire team got sick. It was just me and one other person that was able to travel to the campus of UNAM for a few days. We decided to split up when we got to  the campus and just try to meet some students and share the gospel.

So here I am on campus, with most of our team sick and bed ridden. I walk up to a group of students kicking a soccer ball around, I ask them in broken Spanish if they would be interested in practicing some English. They said no thanks, so I asked them if they knew anyone that would be interested. They pointed to a random student that appeared to be doing some studying. I walked over to him and introduced myself and asked if he would like to practice his English. He said sure and introduced himself.  He introduced himself as David and I began to share the gospel with him. Before I could finish, David had to leave for class. As he left, we both expressed hope to meet up again. Later that day, I got really sick and was out of commission for a week or so. I wondered if I would ever see David again as UNAM is the largest University in Latin America.

After finally recovering, I went back to UNAM and I ran across David again. We continued to meet to practice English and learn about God. I had learned that he was already a Christian and he invited me and some of our team to his families house for dinner. 

Towards the end of the missions trip, me and a few others on our team took the train to meet David's family. When we arrived to his home, his mother opened the door and the house smelled like a huge Mexican feast was about to occur. When I introduced myself to David's mom, she gave me the biggest hug I've ever received. Through our translator, I learned that after sharing the gospel with David, he went home later that night and prayed to receive Christ in to his life. This had been something his mother had been praying about for David for years. We had a great celebration with David's family. It was truly a momentous occasion that brought great perspective on what was most important in life.

That perspective though, is so easy to lose sight of amid all the distractions. This poem was written as if speaking to the devil himself. Asking him to stay away in hopes that I can keep a proper perspective. I don't want to miss out on moments like the summer of 2003, when I had the privilege of meeting David Francisco Perez Salazar and his family.

Gustave Doré, illustration to Paradise Lost

Stay Away

You and your clouds of gray

They made me sad

They give no relief

The rain causes drought

You suspend my belief

Your fog is thick

It blinds my eyes

I can’t see ahead

I can’t see past your lies

I see a flower

Its beautiful bloom

The flower is death

The flower is doom

Stay away

You and your ways of decay

This life looks good

Material things feel nice

These pleasures put

My soul in a vice

Tighter and tighter

It continues to squeeze

I beg you for mercy

But there is no ease

I see a garden

With all I could gain

The garden is misery

The garden is pain

Go away

Please go away

These wants aren't my wants

These needs aren't my needs

You manipulate my feelings

You with your deeds

Live for the now

This is your dream

That I forget

That I am redeemed

I see a city

Of prosperous earning

The city is on fire

The city is burning

So again I say

Go away

The fog is thick

But the light is bright

With a dose of truth

I see past my plight

I see the flower

And what it will be

I turn away

From the flower I flee

I see the garden

Its beauty a facade

I turn from its gaze

And turn towards God

I see the city

Hope I will bring

They will turn from you

And your vile things

It’s not what you want

You never wanted me to give

But I found the true hope

So my soul will live

For my hope is eternal

And I've counted the cost

I have found true love

From the abundance of the cross

#25: Just the same?

This one hurt to write. I had been writing it off and on over the past few months and thought there was enough here to finish it off. This poem is from the perspective of a 13 year old girl as she processes her parent's separation. 

The things the girl is stating are just thoughts in her head, they aren't actually spoken to her dad. In fact, the only lines of spoken word come from the dad and he only has two lines. 

The different colors represent the different ranges of feelings. The blue is a representation of love and comfort, those feelings are less pronounced because even though she hears the words from her dad, they don't take full meaning due to other emotions taking hold. The different reds represents her anger while the green is her despair. The purple represents how she will attempt to understand love going forward.  

As we finished our ice cream, daddy gave me the biggest hug and said

 “Goodbye for now.”

My mind felt a surge of emotion

Goodbye for now?

Goodbye to our family!

Goodbye to normalcy!

Goodbye to my safety net!

Goodbye to my confidant.

Goodbye to mommy smiling at daddy.

Goodbye to warm feelings of home.

I knew he wouldn't be gone,

But it would never be the same.

I knew he loved me,

But this was a new kind of pain.

I was helpless

And there was nothing he could do.

He squeezed me tight,

This was the worst kind of goodbye.

I would never see my dad the same way again.

I cried into his arms,

And he held me gently

“I’m so sorry I have to go honey, it will take time to get used to it, but remember,

 I still love you just the same.”

Just the same?

It will never be the same!

You won’t wake me in the morning all chipper and happy anymore!

You won’t come home from work and find me hiding trying to sneak up on you!

You’re not gone forever, but this will never be the same.

I don’t hate you daddy,

But I don’t know what love is anymore.

My body felt defeated

And my daddy could tell

He wanted to hug me tighter

For me to know how much he cares

But my body couldn't respond.

This is what despair is.

It’s over, everything I know and love is changing,

I’m losing it all.

Embarrassed to be crying in public,

Embarrassed for my daddy,

I choked up the rest of my tears.

I hardened my heart and thought of other things.

Of what I’ll do at school tomorrow,

And what I’ll wear.

I promised myself I would no longer care enough to cry.

But deep down,

I knew

At the core of myself 

Was a well of dammed up tears 

Ready to come gushing out

Every time I thought of him.