My wife is tough as nails. Seriously. She endures chronic physical pain day after day. She has dealt with it for seven years with little understanding of if or when it will end. Yet she keeps going about her day, striving to do what is right and what is best for others and for herself. But there is a cost. Week after week, with no end in sight, the constant pain can become overwhelming. Kelly can hope like the best of us, but when the pain continues, and the years pass, the hopelessness will creep in.
There are days where I forget that Kelly is in constant pain. Her joy is so genuine that the pain seems to disappear. Yet sometimes, in the stillness of the night, the pain overwhelms her. Maybe it's the quiet, or maybe it's the restlessness. In these terrible nights, I'll begin to hear Kelly cry. Not a necessarily a cry of pain, but more a cry of hopelessness. A cry for help because the pain is constant and the sleep is never coming. And that is the toughest word to hear, never.
"I'll never get better, I'll never know what it's like to be without pain, I'll never sleep, I'll never be normal..."
I know in these moments, it's my time to love on my wife the best way I can. Oftentimes this consists of me making a joke at the absolute worst time, but somehow, it makes Kelly laugh and gives her a brief respite, though not a solution for her pain.
That's usually followed up by me trying to gauge how bad it is and trying to make Kelly as comfortable as possible. Then the run through of medications to take and if we have them. And of course, there is prayer. Prayer in the middle of the night is tough, because you want to be earnest and caring, but you also want to sleep. We can pray for what feels like hours, though it is probably half an hour or so, and we pray with expectation. But we often don't get that immediate answer. It's a struggle and the feelings of never begin to creep in to our minds.
The feeling of never though, in this instance, is one to rebuke. I can't let the lie that it will never happen poison Kelly's mind. Because never is not the promise that God has for us.
In the middle of the night
When all is quiet and still
I hear you begin to weep
I know the tears you'll spill
The pain is back again
It came rushing in at three
We don't know how or why
This complication came to be
I hold you in my arms
We both begin to pray
For your relief to come
Before the light of day
We ask and ask and ask
We hope and hope and hope
We don't have physical means
For how to deal and cope
I hear the lie inside you
That this will never go away
That hope unfulfilled
Is the only promise of the day
But please remember my love
I am right here with you
And that hopelessness inside
Is a promise that is untrue
