#72: Last Smile of a Long Goodbye

I vividly remember the last time I saw my grandma. She had been living with Alzheimer's disease for 10 years or so, many of those years with my parents in Orange County. Seeing her mind slip away was tough. For the last few years, she no longer knew who I was. Sometimes, she thought I was her father, or one of her teachers. Many times, she would be afraid and would ask how she would be taken care of. She would think she were a little girl, or a child who was lost. 

I see now why they call Alzheimer's disease the long goodbye. She was still here with us physically, but her mind had slipped away years before. My grandma did pass away eventually, but I still remember the last time I saw her. My dad and I visited her at the hospice on her birthday in 2012. She laid in bed and could barely move. It took her awhile to even sit up. A nurse came by to help move her to her chair. She was hunched over and barely responded to us. 

My dad had a nice card for her that he read to her out loud. But it was hard for her to respond or acknowledge anything. I doubt she recognized myself or my dad, but that's okay. In her sweet nature, even though we were strangers to her, she was able to put two and two together and see that we were here for her. She mustered up her strength and looked at me, and gave her warm sweet smile. In my haste, I was able to get a snapshot of her smiling at me with my old Samsung flip phone (yes, I still had a flip phone in 2012)

Grandma Ruth Aalseth - On May 11, 2012

I remember you

Sweet grandma

From days long passed

Picking raspberries in your garden

I was so small

And you so content

As I grew up

Your memory faded

A long goodbye

You’d remember me sometimes

I’m sure it was scary

To forget

We all became strangers to you

For months

For years

Your memory a patchwork

Your mind deceiving you

As the end approached

Your body weakened

To hold your head up

Was a challenge

But I remember

On your last birthday

Your son, my dad

We visited you at the hospice

To be honest

You looked miserable

I could see you were in pain

And my dad wanted to express

To you

That He loved and appreciated you

It was hard for you to listen

Hard for you to even stay awake

But with all your strength

All your might

You looked up

And smiled

#71: Mirror

Woe is me

I cannot see

Anything.

I now fear

As all I hear

Is nothing.

With this face

All I taste

Is bitterness.

I scream into the mirror

It screams back at me.

Hope is an illusion

A concept I cannot grip.

The size of my heart can’t carry me.

As the weight of it will bury me.

Undone, unfulfilled

Wasting away.

The Papandayan Dead Forest–Java, Indonesia

The saddest moments in my mind are of nothingness. If my significance is defined by what exists, then the idea of non-existence is frightening. The moments where I can't hear, see or do anything are terrifying, but it is also these moments where faith is the most important thing. Just because you don't see or hear something, doesn't mean something is or isn't there. 

#70: The Tragedy of Perfect Love Denied

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1st John 4:18

The tragedy of perfect love denied

It is a broken people with pointless pride

Where lies spit from their mouths

And the truth of love is despised

The selfishness of humanity destroys our compassion

Of a greedy people who buy into deception

Where lust and pleasure burn hearts into dust

And we lead ourselves to a path of destruction

The spirit of the affluent always wants more

Of goods that could give help to the poor

Where women and children starve on the streets

Yet the wealthy own more than ever before

The absence of grace is the death of hope

Of the law that slides down a slippery slope

Where justice on its own cannot stand

And humanity finds fear at the end of its rope

Faded Love Wilted Rose On White  by M K Miller

#69: Incomplete

Sometimes I wonder…

What is there left to…

When nothing else…

All I’m hearing is…

To love is to be…

To live is to be…

There is no…

But that’s…

My mind…

You see…

Haven’t…

I don’t…

In the course of the day, we come across a countless amount of thoughts, most of them incomplete. We are exposed to so much information in so little time that it is overwhelming. But how do we sift through all of this information? I guess the best thing to do is ask yourself a question. What was the most significant thing you learned today?

#68: Gethsemane

Just before Jesus's arrest and subsequent crucifixion he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. Now if you want to understand what prayer can be, here is a great example. Jesus finds himself at a moment of anticipation, where he is thinking and pondering his fate. 

He fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

Prayer is an opportunity to go to God, to ask of Him, and to align yourself to His will. Of course, for most of us, this is an easy thing to overlook. Like his closest friends and followers, we often fall asleep when it is really the time to pray. Jesus prayed in his most desperate moment. You can too.

As you knelt upon the ground praying in agony

I fell asleep

As the mission of your calling came to the fore

I couldn't hear you weep

A stones throw away

You knelt down and prayed

Willing to do the fathers bidding

As for me

I slept on the ground

My subconscious unwound,

I had given in to fleshly things.